My husband’s just an asshole,” but as I dug further, it became glaringly obvious how we each provoked the exact response we did not want from each other. My initial thought was, “That’s bullshit. I remember being utterly floored by the concept of reciprocal dynamics when I first learned about it. It never crossed my mind that a) I might in any way be prompting this reaction or b) that his response was way more about self-protection and being overwhelmed than it was about hurting me. In my marriage, in moments that I was yelling, crying, and sometimes begging for answers, my husband’s blank stare and later, total avoidance of the topic, felt like the coldest, cruelest thing he could do. As a result, ignoring me is my kryptonite. I never knew when I would be forgiven and return to his good graces. I grew up in a household where, when I did something “wrong,” I was met by hours and sometimes days of icy silence from my father. You default into your usual role, moving through the same ol’ steps with ease.įor a long time, I believed that the way my husband reacted to me was very intentional and very personal. The overall reciprocal nature of relationships is aptly called by some theorists, “The More, The More,” as in “the more I do X, the more you do Y, and the more you do Y, the more I do X.” Other theorists call it “The Dance” because just as when you’ve done the same steps of the waltz over and over again, the moves become so automatic that neither partner even thinks about what’s happening. Our shtick is so common it’s got its own name-the “Pursuer-Distancer” dynamic. When he does this, it prompts me to up the ante and provoke more, which then causes him to further recede, and so on.
He gets defensive, pulls back, avoids the conflict, and withdraws. My husband on the other hand has a different approach to dealing with hard feelings. I use a lot of words, animated hand gestures, and can get loud (sometimes very loud). It’s kind of Newton’s Third Law of Physics…for couples.įor example, when I am hurt, my first instinct is to push back. Reciprocal means, that in all relationships, particularly intimate ones, one person’s ways of behaving instigates an equal and opposite reaction in their partner, and vice versa. What is rarely talked about-but WAY more useful-is the reciprocal nature of relationship dynamics. I know I’m guilty of it! I regularly have to talk myself down from the belief that everyone is conspiring to ruin my day, especially my spouse. We are constantly on the lookout for ways we’re being screwed over by other people-at work, in the checkout line, by friends, etc. It’s part of the way our culture does all relationships.
When we are irritated or upset with our partner, most of us focus on what that person did to you. However, what is most often happening, is that you and your partner’s unconscious, long-standing ways of coping with life are butting up against each other.
( If either of these are true, let’s chat because it needs to be a very different conversation than what follows here). There are indeed moments where members of a couple go out of their way to intentionally hurt each other, such as in an abusive relationship or with a true narcissist. If things have been tense in the relationship for a long time, these button-pushing experiences can take on an insidious meaning-e.g., your partner is doing things on purpose just to hurt you, your partner intentionally wants to break you down, your partner doesn’t care about you, is selfish, is cruel…the list goes on. These are the arguments that start with how the dishwasher is loaded and end with screaming and talk of breaking up. When you’re having a rough moment and your partner does this, it feels shitty and often prompts an escalation that seems to come out of nowhere. They can also push your most raw, sensitive, painful buttons in a way that no one else can. The thing about having “your person” is that they can make you feel more cared for, confident, loved, protected, and cherished than anyone else in the world. Frankly, I’ve felt it in my own marriage and I know it’s something that people in intimate relationships experience with distressing frequency. I hear this statement-or some variation of its sentiment-in my office A LOT. (Maybe the growl thing just happens to me?) Does this resonate with you? Did you read it and find yourself saying, “Yup! Exactly.”? Perhaps it elicited a sneer or even a low growl.
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